If a family weathers a wedding or a funeral with everyone still speaking to one another, I think they’ve accomplished a minor miracle. Nothing else creates such upheaval.
Twelve years ago, our developmentally different daughter, Linda, died of breast cancer. Loss of a child regardless of age is the worst thing that can happen to any parent. But it’s a little different when that child is an adult and not able to be independent. We considered it a blessing to care for her all of her life.
Linda’s illness began in January of 2008. I found a lump in her right breast while drying her off after a shower. Following a mastectomy, the surgeon told us he couldn’t remove all of the cancer because it was a fast-growing type that had spread to her lymph nodes. After consulting with the doctors, Ken and I learned chemo and radiation would only prolong her life for a short time, not cure the disease. We decided not to put her through the rigors of treatment. Five months later, a lump in her left breast required a second mastectomy. A few weeks after that, tests confirmed the cancer had spread to her bones and we engaged hospice. Linda, 48, died in her sleep August 9.
As we considered funeral arrangements, I wanted to avoid dissension. I thought about friends who had flare ups in their families when a life-changing event happened. Their complaints invariably began, “You would think as a —-, he or she would —-.” Fill in the blanks. I realized it wasn’t what relatives did that caused upsets but what they were expected to do and didn’t.
The words “accept don’t expect” stuck in my mind from my reading. That seemed like the solution. I would accept whatever each of the six members of our small family did instead of deciding in my own mind what each one should do and expecting it to be done.
How has your family handled a transformative event?