“I don’t want to do that.” Unless we’re dealing with a five-year-old, we don’t hear that candor. Instead, an adult invokes an acceptable social excuse saying something like, “I’d love to, but I’m just too busy right now.” It’s a well-known fact, we can usually make room in our lives for the things we really want to do.
A similar nuance crops up if I run into someone I haven’t seen for a long time. The two of us spend a few minutes catching up with what’s been happening in each other’s lives. The meeting ends with, “We must get together…” but no time is set. Unless cell numbers are exchanged, a promised ‘buzz’ never materializes. We can no longer rely on a phone book or Information.
Another conversational response that’s usually glossed over is the true, physical condition of an acquaintance. Although it happened forty years ago, I’ll never forget a call from an older friend of my husband’s. I answered the wall phone and told Freddy, “I’m sorry, Ken isn’t home.” I knew he’d recently undergone surgery, so I added a casual, “How are you?” I expected to hear, “Fine.” Instead, I listened to a blow-by-blow account of his prostate operation.
Although, I was brought up with the dictum, “Don’t lie,” I’ve also learned not to answer a probing question with, “It’s none of your business.” I skirt the truth with a little embroidery in my response that doesn’t reveal any deep, dark secrets.
Another question that doesn’t really want a true opinion is, “What do you think about…” It’s obvious that concurrence is sought, not argument. All I have to do is figure out the person’s stance and come up with a non-committal reply if my thoughts go in the opposite direction.
Do you use subterfuge at times?